The BG News

Sky Mall is the Greatest!

By Chelci Howard on January 26th, 2007

I have many phobias, but my biggest fear has to be flying. I have many logical explanations behind why flying shouldn’t exist in the first place, but I don’t want to get into a novel about my hang-ups…However, don’t you think that if we were meant to fly, we would have wings… or do you ever wonder how something so heavy just kinda stays in the air?

Anyway, there are only two reasons that I put my life in jeopardy to get to a destination more quickly. One: for some reason, you will never have a better drink in your life than Ginger Ale when you are cruising at an altitude 32,000 feet, that is, if you are not spending too much time asking the flight attendants why the planes aren’t equipped with ejection seats and parachutes (think about it, it’s a great idea). The second reason is the sheer fact that Sky Mall offers the best products that you never knew you needed! Hurrah for unsought goods!

It is practically AMAZING to flip through the pages and think about how you have suffered so many hardships in your life that would have been solved by the products that the creative Sky Mall people have developed.

Sky Mall isn’t just good shopping, it also teaches you about the importance of products to different generations. For instance, a conversation between my grandmother and I could go like this:

Grandmother : “I just don’t know what we did back when we didn’t have cell phones!”

Me: “Oh, you think that’s bad? What do you think my friends and I did before we had our personalized gas masks?”  (page 66 of Sky Mall if you are interested)

So to share the wealth of the wonderfulness that is Sky Mall, I have comprised as list of my top 5 favorite Sky Mall products.

1. The “Dermaseptic”- $99.95
 Have you noticed an increase in herp.. I mean, cold sores, warts or fever blisters (whatever those are) lately? Your problems have just been cured by the “Dermaseptic!” For less than $100, you can purchase this electronic anti-septic device. According to the Sky Mall Web site, ” [The Dermaseptic] painlessly delivers natural anti-microbial silver ions directly to the infected tissue long before the infection breaks out into an open sore.” This is a must for that “one” friend!
2. The Freeze Alarm- $199.00
 The Freeze Alarm is a complete revolutionary idea. By using your existing phone line, the Freeze alarm will call you and play a pre-recorded message that tells you that the temperature in your house has reached a “dangerous low.” It will also call you and tell you that the power has been out for an extended period of time, which is of course, if the phone line isn’t out as well. This even allows you to control your temperature at home from your cellular device. So if you want to play a really mean prank on your roommates, this item needs to be on your wish list. On second thought, we are college students. Let’s go ahead and wait to get the Freeze Alarm until we graduate and can actually afford our heating bills. I know I don’t want a call every 20 minutes with my own voice telling me that it’s freaking freezing at my house. On contrary, maybe it would motivate people to go to class more often! This is the perfect gift from that one professor that doesn’t have an attendance policy!
3. Heated Gloves $44.99
Why let your warm breath go to waste by just blowing on your frostbitten hands and allowing your 98.6 to get trampled by the bitter cold that is the BG Winter. Don’t you wish you had a pair of gloves that you can blow into like a beach ball and will keep your hands warm…until the cold air overtakes the warmness again? Then this product is definitely for you! By having a flap covered port hole, your frozen phalanges will never be blocks of ice again. As Henry Fold is famous for saying, “You can have any color… as long as it’s black.” However the gloves are not made for men who would wear a size small or women who would wear a size extra large. After some detailed research, it was concluded that those aforementioned persons never get cold hands.
4. Dri- Release Nightgown $59.95
 Ladies! Do you tend to overheat while trying to achieve a golden slumber? Do you wake up in the morning looking like you have just ran a marathon through the Sahara? This is indeed the product for you! The Dri-Release nightgown is made of a top-secret fiber that pulls the moisture away from your body and traps it into the gown, without developing an odor. The gown comes in a fashionable shade of twilight blue and is reportedly as soft as cotton materials. Dri-release also has developed a shirt and capris with the special odor-moister locking material. Both outfits would be acceptable to wear on the weekends, or sometimes weekdays, when you go to your favorite watering hole.

5. Firefly survival poncho- $89.99-$99.99
You can never take personal safety too seriously. That’s why this product should be a must on everyone’s list. This fiberglass guardian angel can handle flames up to 1600 degrees and is roomy enough to include your important belongings: children, animals, purse and makeup collection, big screen TV, etc, so you can exit to safety. My question is… is there a pre screening for pyromaniacs? Also… why don’t fire safety specialists wear this poncho? Maybe because if someone saw a fire person coming after them in this cape, which resembles the Grim Reaper slightly, they would be liable to hurdle themselves out the window. I guess I answered my own question.

In conclusion, Sky Mall makes lives easier. You can rest assured that when my day comes, my bridal registry will be able to be accessed from the sky… oh yeah!!

This entry was posted on Friday, January 26th, 2007 at 3:17 am and is filed under Entertainment. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

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